On Love, Leadership, and Tacos

Have you ever had a boss who you just knew really loved you? 

That was the question I posed to my family (a.k.a. my focus group) during one of our Taco Tuesday Dinner Nights. The question made everyone a little bit squirmy. “Wait, do you mean a boss who was in love with me?” was the first shocked response, which was quickly followed up with the proclamation that the question was just “too pink” to take seriously. I could see that my question needed some justification before we could have a real discussion about it, so I brought out the big guns - even US military leaders talk openly about leaders loving their people!  

In his blog post titled, “Love is at the Heart of Effective Leadership,” Retired Lt. Col. Pete Kilner reflected on five different types of love he recognized throughout his military career. He summarized what he learned by saying,  ”From my first day as a military professional, I knew that I had a duty to lead my soldiers. Over the years, I learned that I also have a duty to love them due to the unique character of military service... Soldiers willingly risk everything they love for their country. They deserve leaders who love them back.” [1]

So, what does it look like when leaders love their people back? In the book, Love and Profit: The Art of Caring Leadership, author James Autry said, ‘‘Good management is largely a matter of love. Or if you’re uncomfortable with that word, call it caring, because proper management involves caring for people, not manipulating them.’’ [2]

In their article about the relationship between compassionate love and servant leadership, Dirk van Dierendonck and Kathleen Patterson (who is one of the most caring and compassionate professors I’ve ever known) also noted the fact that talking about love in the workplace can sometimes make people feel uncomfortable. [3] But they described some practical steps that leaders can take to focus on love. They explained, ”... servant leaders must have such great love for the followers that they are willing to learn the gifts and talents of each one of the followers. The leader that leads with compassionate love has a focus on the employee first, then on the talents of the employee, and lastly on how this benefits the organization.” [4] 

Kilner described developing a type of love that recognized each soldier’s humanity in his article. He reflected on his learning, recounting a conversation with a colleague that challenged him to think more critically about the way he viewed his soldiers. He said, ”I thought of my soldiers primarily as human resources to be developed, trained, and led to accomplish missions. I did genuinely enjoy their company and care about their welfare. Nevertheless, I related to them as soldiers, not as people who had their own life histories and dreams. I didn’t think about how they had grown up as civilians and would likely live many more decades as civilians after they’d finished their military service.” [5]

Researchers Cam Caldwell and Rolf Dixon made the same distinction about how leaders should love their people. They said, “Caring leadership is fully authentic in its commitment to each individual and treats others as valued partners rather than as a commodity or an inconvenience.” [6] van Dierendock and Patterson said, “We maintain that working with love may not be automatically present in organizations but that a leader plays an important role in bringing this about and making it part of the organizational culture.” [7]

Back to Taco Tuesday. Once we identified what loving leadership looks like, my family members shared several moving examples of bosses who went out of their way to show them that they were loved. Even my ten-year-old nephew shared examples of teachers who he knew really cared about him. 

So, how about you? Have you ever had a leader who you just knew loved you? What was it about the way this person led that communicated that they cared for you as a human, not just as an employee? How did that leader create a culture of caring and kindness at work?

One of my favorite leadership development activities is called “Boss’s Blueprint” and it involves a simple challenge for leaders to see how familiar they are with each team member’s individual workspace. Leaders are directed to sit at their desks and draw out the basic floor plan of the space where their team works, including shared and commonly used items such as the printer, copy machine, coffee station, etc. All of this should be done from memory, without first looking around. 

Next, designate on your drawing where each person works and fill in as many significant details about each person’s workspace as you can. Vasudha Deming is the creator of the “Boss’s Blueprint” and in her instructions, she said, '“Don’t worry about insignificant things, but do pay attention to personal effects that give you insights into the minds and hearts of your employees. For example, what photos are on their desks? What art do they have in their work areas? What quotations have they posted to motivate themselves? What awards are on display? “ [8]

In this era of widespread remote work, leaders have even more insight into what matters most to employees as Zoom calls provide a window into their homes. If this is your situation, reflect on what insights you have gained into your employees’ hearts and minds as some of the barriers between work and home have been removed. 

If you are a leader, do your people know that you care about them? What steps do you take to gain a better understanding of each person’s gifts, talents, strengths, and interests? How do you let them know that they matter as people, not just as employees?

If you want to create a more loving leadership culture in your organization but need some support we can help! Lakeside Leadership Services offers a free initial half-hour consultation and coaching session to leaders, and we have affordable coaching packages with discounts for leaders of nonprofit organizations. Visit us online at www.lakesideleadership.org or send an email to contactus@lakesideleadership.org to take the next step in your leadership journey. 

References

[1] Kilner, P. (2018, November 28). Love is at the heart of effective leadership. Association of the United States Army. https://www.ausa.org/articles/love-heart-effective-leadership

[2] Autry, J. A.: 1991, Love and Profit: The Art of Caring Leadership (Avon Books, New York).

[3] Dierendonck, D. v., & Patterson, K. (2015). Compassionate love as a cornerstone of servant leadership: An integration of previous theorizing and research. Journal of Business Ethics, 128(1), 119-131. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10551-014-2085-z

[4] Dierendonck, D. v., & Patterson, K. (2015). Compassionate love as a cornerstone of servant leadership: An integration of previous theorizing and research. Journal of Business Ethics, 128(1), 121. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10551-014-2085-z

[5] Kilner, P. (2018, November 28). Love is at the heart of effective leadership. Association of the United States Army. https://www.ausa.org/articles/love-heart-effective-leadership

[6] Caldwell, C., & Dixon, R. D. (2010). Love, forgiveness, and trust: Critical values of the modern leader. Journal of Business Ethics, 93(1), 91-101. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10551-009-0184-z

[7] Dierendonck, D. v., & Patterson, K. (2015). Compassionate love as a cornerstone of servant leadership: An integration of previous theorizing and research. Journal of Business Ethics, 128(1), 122. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10551-014-2085-z

[8] Deming, V.K. (2004). The Big Book of Leadership Games. P. 153. McGraw Hill: New York.